Chex Mix is cancelled. Long live Totino’s insane new variety pack.
Beloved frozen goods purveyor Totino’s is about to blow late-night snackers’ minds with the announcement of new variety packs, which feature a mix of everyone’s favorite microwaveable bite-size morsels.
The 90-piece Totino’s Mini Snack Mixes contain multiple variations on its tried-and-true pizza roll snacks. The packs will come in two crowd-pleasing categories. Let’s break down these frozen flavor profiles, shall we?
First up, the “Original” packs, which come with Pepperoni Pizza Roll Snacks, Cheesy Marinara Bites, Mozzarella Sticks and Garlic Bread Bites.
And for a more patriotic appetites, “American Favorites” salute flavor combos including Cheeseburger Pizza Roll Snacks, Ham and Cheese Bites, Cheddar Bites and Potato Bites.
“Your next party will thank us later!” Totino’s hypes in promo materials.
But as the esteemed culinary folks at Food & Wine put it, “Oh silly, Totino. When I throw a party, I put out my finest cheeses and artisan bread. I save Totino’s for truly important occasions — like that wonderful level of drunkenness where I can’t navigate my delivery app but can still work an oven for some reason. Thank you for filling that void, Totino!”
These frozen mass-appeal bites are set to hit stores — and hips — nationwide “beginning in fall 2019” with a suggested retail price of $8.79 a bag.
“Four delicious snacks in one bag? ARE YOU DREAMING?” hypes the nearly unintelligible description on Totino’s official product page. “No. You are not. We have created a party for you but mostly your mouth.”
Oddly enough, the infamously meme-friendly supermarket mainstay has yet to tweet about the new product. Instead, Totino’s has spent recent days posting shopping lists and out-of-context WikiHow art on its branded Twitter, which is dubbed Pete Zaroll.
We can only hope that these new variety packs will inspire more sexual awakenings for suburban moms everywhere.